White-Anting: The Sneaky Tactic Narcissists Use to Isolate You
We've all heard about gaslighting, that mind-twisting tactic narcissists use to make you doubt your own sanity. But there's another insidious weapon in their arsenal: White-Anting. It's the silent destroyer of trust. Emotional and psychological abuse that leaves you isolated and questioning everything. I know, because I lived it. And the worst part? It was completely invisible to me.
What is White-Anting?
There’s not a whole lot of resources out there about White-Anting in relationships. It’s a term us Aussies coined to describe a manipulative tactic used in the workplace. But White-Anting can occur anywhere and I think it's especially devastating in a toxic relationship or family dynamics.
Let’s paint the picture. Imagine termites (we call them ‘White Ants’), sneakily, silently gnawing away at the foundation of your house, devouring it, weakening it, and then it collapses without so much as a warning if you don’t see or act on the signs.
Well that's white-anting. It's the covert undermining of someone through their friends and support network. In the case of relationships; it targets your loved ones, not you directly.
“My friends and family would never listen to a smear campaign. They’d see it and tell me FOR SURE!”
Don’t be so sure. A smear campaign is often an overt form of abuse. They want to tarnish your reputation and they sure as hell ain’t tryin’ to hide it! Whereas white-anting is often disguised and appears as care and love for the victim.
“But how can abuse masquerade as care?”
It’s all about planting seeds of doubt in the minds of your loved ones, subtly eroding their trust in you. It can take a magnitude of forms, but here’s how it happened to me.
My Story: The ‘Loving’ Narcissist
I know what you're thinking: "Narcissism" gets thrown around a lot. But trust me, my Mr. Narc fit the textbook definition to a T. (He's in the pen for the next 7 years, if you need some further clarification.)
I digress. This charismatic character effortlessly charmed his way into my social circle. I saw no harm; after all, who doesn't want their Mr Right to get along with their mates?
But almost instantly, the white-anting began. Insidious, subtle, like a slow poison.
First queue the setting of the stage: ‘Oh Christin loves to have a cocktail or two.’ You know what, yes I do. No new information coming in here.
Next, the ‘concerned partner’ act: 'I'm so worried about Christin. She's drinking more, and we had a huge fight. How can I help her?' (Never mind that he triggered the fight, and my drinking was a desperate attempt to cope with his relentless emotional abuse.)
Then, evidence to support the claims: Some pointed glances at my friends when I had a drink in my hand at a social event. ‘See, I told you so’.
Reaching out for help becomes a nightmare. On one occasion, I succumbed to jumping out of the car on a busy street in an attempt to reach out to friends about the manipulation and the gaslighting I was suffering. Unfortunately, it was too late and they just couldn’t see it. He was the concerned partner, I was the unstable one.
The result? Feeling utterly alone, trapped in a toxic relationship with no one to turn to.
The Devastating Impact of White-Anting
No matter what setting you place White-Anting, it isolates the victim. It can even lead a victim to staying in an abusive situation longer, believing they have no support.
Why It Matters
We need to start the conversation about this tool beyond the shores of Australia. I only first heard the term from my psychologist and after seeing such a huge response from a short TikTok I shared, I realised just how much this needs to be heard. By putting a name to this horrific tactic, we can empower victims to recognise the possibility of it. We can educate their support networks to be aware of these manipulations and in turn, offer our unwavering support in overcoming it.
Raising Awareness Together
Our stories have the power to connect us and shed light on the diverse experiences surrounding psychological abuse and manipulation. By sharing our journeys, we can create a supportive community where we can learn from and empower each other. If you're comfortable sharing your story, I’d love to hear it! X
Remember:
Trust your gut. If something feels off, it probably is.
Don't let anyone isolate you from your loved ones.
Seek support from trusted friends, family, or a therapist.
You deserve to be in a healthy, supportive relationship.
If you suspect you or someone you know is being white-anted, please reach out for help.
You are not alone.
Support Services
Support Hotline: 1800 RESPECT
